I Won’t Say Your Name


I won’t say your name.

I’m sure you’ve many monikers.

Why, I’ve called you

grayness, darkness, cloud, fog.

Hate, hurt, hopelessness, pain.

My heart is weighty.

You effect bad breathing, helplessness

and self loathing.

You take my creativity.

You’re a feeling, not a thing.

I won’t let you take me.

Yet, you have me,

at the moment.

Please don’t keep me long.

I miss my ebullience and drive.

I miss feeling accomplished.

I miss wanting to move my body.

I miss wanting to live.

I miss desire.

You will not last.

I’ve beaten you before.

And I will again.

11 Responses to “I Won’t Say Your Name”

  1. Jaymie Says:

    Oh Julie, this is amazing.

  2. Amanda Says:

    You are so gifted Julie. Depression is so damn isolating and here you have taken your power back by not allowing it to hide away (which it loves to do bc the hiding helps it grow).
    I hope putting it out into the light like this has brought you some relief. It helped me just reading it! If you feel called to do so, share this wherever you can. It will be very healing for you and so many others. Please know that I love you no matter how you feel – dark or sunny or anything – I don’t care bc your good heart is always there. Love, Mandy

  3. Kim Says:

    Sweetie. I hope you still aren’t in this place even though you have every reason to be. I’m hoping that this amazing poem swings forth from better things…

    • Julie Says:

      Kim, it already did. I’ve needed to get it out. I usually try so hard & succeed in staving it off, but it’s been difficult this week. Writing the poem really helped me feel better. Thanks, Friend & I’m soooo looking forward to your visit. I live very close to Va btw, unless she has moved recently.

  4. You described depression perfectly. I hate that I can recognize it.
    Great poem!

  5. Mindy Says:

    i am there.

    • Julie Says:

      Mindy, I’m lifting you up in my thoughts & prayers. You are going through a lot with your health, and depression doesn’t help. Sometimes it’s which comes first–the chicken or the egg. At any rate, depression is not good on the body. I hope with the passage of health care you will be able to see a doctor, get the tests you need, and start treatment for GB, if that is what it is. Blessings!

  6. christie Says:

    That was beautiful Julie!

    May these sushiny days help bring light to those dark places and keep the shadows away! I cannot wait to meet you someday!

    Happy Weekend!

    • Julie Says:

      Thanks, Christie. Today was so productive for me. I’m on cloud 9. I haven’t felt this motivated in a very long time. We made some decisions this week which portend a lot of change, all for the best, I’m sure.

      I can’t wait to meet you either, hopefully before your wedding.
      Blessings to you!


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