I am looking for full time work.

It’s a topsy turvy process.

I feel confident, capable,

but there is a draining of


some of it positive,

as I willow and wallow through

this tangle.

While I feel good

about most things,

it is very alien.

In 25 years I’ve had 2 jobs.

With a brief temp job,

and child rearing–


No, child rearing

is the hardest, albeit rewarding,  job.

I’m not complaining,

just processing.

It is so new and,

in a way, fresh.

I like meeting people.

I’m happy I like change.

If I didn’t, I’d be a ragged mess.

My spirits have been good,

and my family is well.

I’ve felt joy

and some fear.

How I haven’t felt fear constantly

is anathema to me.

I don’t think I fear, fear


That helps in life.

This fearful voice in my head just said,

What if something happened to Tim,

or one of the boys?

Fuck you, fear!

Love trumps you any time!


by Robert Jay Lifton.  I’m sure I mentioned I ordered it last week.  It explores the ideology behind the Nazi movement, particularly among the doctors, and how so many healers became killers.  I never really learned about how it all began, and how an entire society accepted, even approved of, such atrocities.  It seems anti-Semitism was pretty high well before even the 1st World War.  And with the Nazi movement required one to care more about the nation than individuals.  People were able to justify themselves and numb themselves to the persecution of other people, for what they tought was good for the nation.  What surprises me is how many intellectuals were so anti-Semitic.  You don’t think of informed people having a prejudice like that.

Over the weekend I watched a film called “A Life Without Pain“.  It portrayed 3 little girls who have a disease that causes them to not feel pain.  They can feel touch and pressure, but are insensitive to any pain and extreme temperatures.  Of course after I watched it I had to research it on the internet.  You know, “inquiring minds want to know!”.   It is a very rare disease, just a few hundred people have it.  I found it was common in some Jewish people, and also in a homogenous village in Sweden,  there is a disproportionate amount of people there who have this disease.

While I was searching around the internet on either the film or The Nazi Doctors, I came across this horrible website, a white supremacist hate group, which is apparently very well-known, because then today there were articles in the news about the group & its president.  This group feels Jewish people are a genetic blight to society, just like the Nazis.  There are a plethora of hereditary diseases among all races, and I’m not sure there are any that only a certain race can get, even if there are diseases that are more prominent in one particular race.  These people on this website are very misinformed, but choose to believe lies and propagate them.  It’s pretty scary. 

I think I’ve been naive.  I ordered the book, though, to stimulate myself  into examining this again.  I hadn’t thought too much about it since I learned about the Holocaust as a kid.  Well, that probably isn’t true because I’ve read a couple of books about people like Randy Weaver, who wove white supremacy into his extreme Christian & anti-government ideology.  I’ve read several books about people like that.  I’m probably as informed as anyone else.  We just can’t forget how group thought can be shaped to believe a complete lie, and to think of some individuals as any different or even less, than them.  I started a book once written by a woman who seemed almost enamored with the leader (well known, but I can’t find his name now) of a white supremacy group.  I had to stop reading it.

Now, I’m watching a TV documentary about American Nazis.  I don’t get that at all, considering white people took America  from indigenous Americans.  I’m concerned about current anti-immigration sentiment, and the increase in hate groups.  I’m concerned the lines between hate groups and conservative “activists” are going to become more and more blurred.  They moved closer since Y2k, and now they are closer than I’ve ever seen them, even during the Reagan years.   And it’s very, at the least, distasteful, how some politicians are embracing some of these extremist views for political gain.

Okay, sobering thoughts.  I’m going to think of something positive to share…  Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.  Don’t give the haters power.  All there is, is Love and Fear.  Choose love.

What are dreams to you?  They can be an idea or wish of something we want to accomplish.  Or, they can be those interesting activities that go on in our minds when we are sleeping.  I’m going to speak a bit about them.

A little while ago one came to mind I want to share.  I don’t want to make a long story, but I was brought up Baptist, I am still a moderate Baptist, but I’m beginning to wonder about organized religion.  It seems there is always so much conflict, and one wants to be right and make the others wrong, etc.  However, I think if a church is where I can be the most connected, I’m there!  Hasn’t been the case for me recently, but that may be changing.  Anyhow, I fear death.  I joke that I’m still not sure if I’m going to hell or not when the truth is I don’t even believe in a hell that doesn’t exist on this plane.

So, I thought I feared hell more than death, but a dream I had within the last few years showed me otherwise.  First, I’ve had a recurring dream about plain crashes throughout my life.  It started with a knowledge of a crash at the airport, each dream brought me closer to the airport over the years until I saw the plane crash.  Then I didn’t have the dream again.  I did have another dream where I was in a plane that crashed and I knew I was going to die.  I felt fear, then an incredible peace and feeling of safety.  I welcomed death.  Then I woke up.

I believe we are sometimes blessed with reassurances from Spirit in our dreams.  I could go on about other dreams I’ve had in which I felt this.  They are somehow different.  This one didn’t feel like one of those.  I did remember the feeling of being without fear vividly, however, and it was like a precious gift.  I had no idea how much fear I have in my life, which I, of course, have tried to become more conscious of.

Let me know if you have any dreams to share, or want to ‘talk’ about.  I love dreams.  I write them down a lot and sometimes I can’t read what I wrote!  They are usually a little unpleasant, but that one offered me a glimpse of what it would feel like to not have fear.

Oh, by the way, I always take a tranquilizer before I fly.  I’ve been doing this about 5 years, and Jeezum Crowe, it’s so nice not to be staring at the flight attendant the whole time, to make sure he or she doesn’t look panicked!  And being able to breathe during takeoff and while landing.  I like breathing consistently.