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Here is Annie’s writing prompt #14. It is a lovely picture, but I decided to deal with the quote in the picture for this prompt.  It says “If I let you in please don’t break anything.”

She told him,

“If I let you in, please don’t break anything.”

A wounded heart,

fragile like glass.

She longs to feel safe,

but what does that look like?

She must create it herself.

I’m using a writing prompt today!  Because my life is dull at times.  I got the prompt over at this blog.

Today’s Writing Prompt: Repentance

Is there a wrong in your past you’d like to make right?

I used to feel no regrets about my past.  Perhaps I was in denial.  I have many regrets about my past now, and I can’t believe they just popped up!

I was just thinking of this regret today.

Once a new friend confided something to me & it made me angry she hadn’t told me initially.  She had moved here from another place fairly recently.  It was during a time of deep soul searching and change in my life.  Astrologically, it was during my Saturn Return, and this time usually involves spiritual awakening, life change, etc.  I was exploring lots of spiritual practices and healing practices.  I had met this woman at one of these events.

I became angry because she confided she had moved here with a woman, in a lesbian relationship.  I didn’t have anything against that, but I was angry she hadn’t told me initially.  I wish I had handled it better.  Perhaps it brought up confusion about my own sexual identity?  I wonder this because of how angry I was.  What it felt like at the time was secret keeping, with which I knew I was uncomfortable.

I ended up validating all she feared about telling me, and we didn’t see each other again.  And, strangely, I remember very little about her or the situation, like how we parted.  It’s like a whole piece is missing, forgotten.  I felt shame over not being understanding, but what’s weird is I didn’t make it right quickly.  That’s unusual for me.  At the time, I probably wasn’t self aware enough to realize my strong reaction had much more to do with me than her.

So, there it is.  And I shall leave you with a lovely picture from when I was in Denmark.

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Aren’t these gals adorable?  Love their coats.  Saw them on the street and wanted to be just like them!  Ha!

I read Family of Spies, Inside the John Walker Spy Ring by Pete Earley, a reporter for the WaPo.  Written in the 80’s, when the story broke.  It’s amazing.  John Walker, I believe, is a total narcissist & sociopath.  Has no regard for anyone but himself.  Fortunately, he’s still in jail.  His poor brother, who hardly did anything wrong, and then only out of fear of his brother, is in prison for the rest of his life.  John Walker could be paroled, and his son, Michael Walker, received parole in about 2000, at the age of 37.  I did a little research, of course, on-line.  The book dragged, and took me over a week to read.  Of course, it was a very busy week.

I’m reading the most interesting historical book, Unwise Passions, by Alan Pell Crawford, who actually lives here in Richmond.  It’s about the scandal of Ann Cary (Nancy) Randolph, and her brother-in-law, Richard Randolph.  It also presents the demographics and sociology of the time after the Revolutionary war.  I didn’t realize the division that resulted in the US Civil War started so early.  It’s quite fascinating.

I started a new job, which requires a solid 1 hour commute, so I’m listening to books on tape.  The first one is Andrew Young’s The Politician.  I am finding it very enjoyable, although the reader’s voice and inflections are overly dramatic.  I’d rather be reading it, but, alas, I need something to entertain me during my commute, and this is doing the job.  Andrew Young was John Edwards’s right hand man because he thought he would be president, and good for his career, and believed in the ideals Edwards presented.  He allowed himself to become the family’s lackey, and the results were practically catastrophic.   It’s juicy, and you know I like a juicy tome!

I started a new job this week, and it was exhausting, but great.  I love the job, the people, and where I’m working.  It’s on an old farm, on the James River, in Charles City County.  It’s beautiful.  Oh, I’ll give it a plug-it’s an on-line greenhouse, and we are taking orders shipping in the fall!  www.thegrowers-exchange.com .  We have just about every type of herb you can imagine, and beautiful flowers, not exactly what you will find at Lowe’s.  The prices are good, and we also have lots of beautiful planters, garden accessories and hand tools.  I really like my job.  And I’m still working at my old company part-time.

So, that’s it.  My muse, offended by my lack of attention, has vanished, and I’m kindly asking for her return.  I need to write poetry.  I’ve written in my journal, but it isn’t the same.

Books

2010/04/22

I finished reading Girl Meets God.  I’ve been reading poems from the anthology, and loving it!  I also did a writing prompt exercise and couldn’t believe the store that came forth.  I put a lot of just writing over on another blog at Open Salon.  I think it’s under juliawb.  It’s kind of a first chapter, although my intention was a short story.  A couple of folks asked me what happens next, though.  Perhaps I can think of a prompt for another chapter and see where it goes…

Now I’m reading a good ‘ole true crime book, by one of my faves, Jack Olsen.  It’s called Cold Kill.  As usual, he delves extensively into the mind(s) of the perpetrator(s).  I needed some True Crime after all the memoir, art & poetry I was reading.  I actually stayed up way too late reading that.  I will say again, Jack Olsen is the Original and best of the true crime genre.  He also wrote wrote for Time and other magazines, and wrote nonfiction about interesting events.

I’m going to look up a poetry prompt and see if anything comes up.  I LOVE prompts.  They suit my personality perfectly, and my best writing, I believe, is stream of consciousness.

Okay, I’m going to blab (read: whine) about myself, so move on if you don’t want to listen. I wouldn’t blame you. I need healing. I feel broken & unhealthy. It is my fault. I’m overweight and have frequently not taken care of my body. My back is so far out of alignment that I have a huge knot behind my heart. (It’s always there, but right now it is worse than it’s ever been, feels like it’s affecting my breathing. I think it’s probably from a past life.) My back hurts at the bottom, in the small, and my neck. I feel like my ribs are out. My joints are hurting: both thumbs/hands, both elbows. I’m peri-menopausal (read: very irregular & at the age where bones mass starts to go.)

I have asthma. I have a broken bone in my foot that I got by walking in flip flops. I drove for the 1st time in 2 weeks. I’m bummed I have to take this boot off before I drive, and put it back on after I get to my destination. It’s time consuming, plus I know it puts my foot in a position it isn’t supposed to be in for healing. My foot doesn’t feel as good as it did when I first got the boot. I’ve been very faithful about wearing it. It’s been swelling, and my ankle has experienced some unhappiness. It scares me b/c I got a clean bill of health last year on my bones.

My oldest son emailed me the other night and he’s been feeling neglected by us at college. We talked afterward, and I felt so guilty. I was really just trying to give him his space, which I think he understands. I need to work on his FAFSA stuff. It’s due soon. It feels very overwhelming.

My husband was in the hospital a few weeks ago, is just getting his strength back. He’s also not in the best spirits. He has only worked part time since October. Hoping he’ll get full time soon. I’m worried about money. Long story but we moved twice in 6 months.

Our phone hasn’t worked properly since we moved. People call & sometimes they are told the phone is out of service. Yesterday I couldn’t get the messages off because when I did what you’re supposed to do to hear the message, it called the person back, but they couldn’t hear me when I spoke. This was very frustrating.

There are many positive things going on, and I usually try to be a positive person. I try not to complain. But right now I feel beaten down. However, I’m going to my chiropractor this afternoon, and someone turned me on to Feldenkrais work (via Twitter!) and I looked up practitioners in Richmond & someone I know is a practitioner. What a blessing! She’s coming over Friday to work with me.

Older son told younger son to be nice to me, I think, because he was such an angel last night after texting with his brother. Made me feel wonderful. Kindness works wonders on me. I know things will get better. I always feel a positive outcome results in everything. I’m thankful for many, many things. One of them is getting 2 healing appointments for myself this week. I’m thankful for my family, and my extended family. I’m thankful for my little shadow, Elsie. I’m thankful to be living by a wooded area with a creek & seeing lots of birds. Okay, enough about me.

Finished the Carolyn Jessop book. It ends at about the time Warren Jeffs was found and arrested. More recently Jeffs has been sent to prison. Plus there was that snafu with trying to free the children at their TX compound. I think almost all of them were sent right back into the cults. If their mothers still believe Jeffs is the son of God, basically, they are still going to do what he says, even from jail. They will view him as being persecuted. People don’t understand this is the only life they know. They believe if they leave their husbands they will go to hell. It’s taking the whole patriarchal religion thing to new heights. They are to be in perfect obedience to whatever their husband tells them to do or not do. They are never to express an opinion or an emotion. Can’t imagine. Well, it was a little like that growing up, but not to that extent, and I never felt like a prisoner of something unbearable, ever. I’ll let you know which book I start next.

I found a funny blog by someone who shares a lot of the same interests as me. I’ve put it on my blogroll. http://talesofrediculousness.blogspot.com. I hope I spelled ridiculousness right. If I didn’t, I copied & pasted the link to my blogroll, so I’m sure it’s right. Maybe I’ll write a poem about my physical pains. Thinking out loud. Loss, pain are easier for me to write about in poetry form than happy things. Billy Collins writes well about happy things. Perhaps that is why he was poet laureate & I was not, ha ha!  Really, I like to write about people.

Ta Ta!

What a month it has been!  Virginia has had lots of snow, snow we don’t usually get.  It’s quite beautiful.  I’m not even sick of it, except I have a stress fracture on my foot & there’s a huge snow pile by the dog poo station near my apartment.  Also, it’s a little dicy when the temperature drops below freezing.  I’m so afraid of falling again.  I’m walking very carefully.  Elsie was attacked again last week, and I couldn’t do anything because of this blasted boot I’m wearing.  However, the boot has helped matters immensely.  I’m not longer in pain & having to ice my foot on a daily basis, which I was experiencing before the stress fracture diagnosis. 

Tim is better, he’s on oral antibiotics.  I had to give him at home IV’s and it wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be.  It’s better than cleaning out & re-filling the void with gauze on MRSA tissue that has been removed.  It’s not as painful for Tim.  The oral antibiotic is making him intermittently extremely nauseous.

We did get out of Dodge for Valentine’s Day and went to a Dance & stayed the night for Valentine’s last Saturday.  What a blessing that was!  I also got to see some of my high school friend’s Friday night.  Tim drove me, because I’m not driving w/ my “club foot” and some other friends took me home.  We’ve also had friends bring us food, which is soooo kind and appreciated.

I read Vanished.  It was a bit boring.  I usually enjoy Carlton Smith (true crime writer) more.  I am now reading the fascinating The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers.  It is stellar.  Unbelievable to me that she was only 23 when she wrote it.  What a talent! 

I’ve also been trying to keep up with emails and all the kind friends and family who have inquired about our health.  We are much better.  Barrett is better.  He was very anxious about all of our health issues.  I’m thankful for several things.

1. We got most of our things moved, and 4 pods emptied before the snow, sickness, injury (well, I had the injury & didn’t know it.  Perhaps that is why I fell twice the day we moved!)

2.  I finished all of the year-end duties at work before all of the above late January/Feb. events that kept reminding us to SLOW DOWN. –  I  believe that is the message.

So, I’m baaaaacccckkkk!!  Hope to be writing more, and poetry would be lovely.  Muse?  Please show yourself!

from my compulsive reading.  I am still reading the Mulvaneys.  It’s sad, depressing.  I like this book but I think I’ve been over indulging.   Reading is a solitary affair, and as a bit of an extrovert, I need to communicate with and be around other people.  There are a couple of nice arts events this week, Wed. & Friday, and hopefully will catch up with a few friends this weekend.  Need human contact!!  It’s not that I haven’t had any, I have just spent all my time at home either reading, or writing.  The writing is really good for me, so I’ll lighten up on the reading.  Not that I won’t read at all, of course, since I do enjoy it.  Oh, Geez, ya-di-ya-di-ya.

By the way, I must say Ellen over at Fired n’ Fabulous (she’s also on my blogroll) has a great blog.  It’s light and airy, but still gives me food for thought.  She’s very zany!  Each of her blog ends with a question, which invites comments.  I love commenting on her blog, because she reads them and comments back.

I hope my writing assignment for my Creative Spark class isn’t too long.  I typed it, which makes it so much easier to say more, and it’s 4 typed pages.  I feel like I talked about 2 different things, I hope the disconnect isn’t as obvious as it seems to me.